rippled water and constant rainfall.

droning dripping down pour surrounds the dim city.

the beginning of the rest of our lives

being open face and bold in an attempt to recap a life no one knows.

developing in a home where nothing was concrete has immense affects.

the middle child,

I became jan

always thought to be the one with the "great personality".

yearning to always be that but more.

one day

years departed

now here in hindsight trying to figure out the past

eating disorders followed suit back then

not because my family had crumbled and been thrown back together

my lack of sense in self,

was because I wanted to please that who I couldn’t

to you,

I will never be who she is.

she never loved you more, but different.

I only wanted to be what you wanted.

you say motivation was the drive behind your defamation

you will never see how you affected me.

tainted by ill blood.

the child of a mother with a deadly sickness.

hepatitis c became the unsightly image I wore

years dissolved

the accumulation of education that was how the summer began

the summer I will never let go of, but have ceased to relive.

I began a love affair that still holds me now.

jonathan became the prisoner of something he could not stop.

the one most like me morphed into a self indulging and destructive being.

and I could do nothing.

I told your secrets and you told mine.

again was were ripped apart

the savage captors of our existence bared their teeth.

my body empty and longing for rest.

my depression found its way swiftly back into my life.

I had not felt that pain since our patriarch had slung me into such years before.

I wanted so bad for you to come back jonathan

but we found our annihilative tendencies together.

yours often worse than mine, but we found solace in such.

your breakdown shattered the tidy image our family tried to falsely proclaim.

the silent villain coursed through your veins with ease.

midnight calls and visits

but no one was alright

the broken relationships you had, forced your abuse.

the police and warrants chilled us, who loved you, to the bones

once so beautiful, now so drawn.

then one day,

you were gone.

threatening suicide had caused for panic.

I wanted to visit and hug you

but that only happened once.

now minutes changed to days and your sobriety is in full swing

I found I became the brunt of all outrage in our home.

the only questionable child left

jayna was the picture of perfection to them.

arguments and break-ins

they found me.

I wanted someone to understand, but who would.

I wanted to be free, but they would never let that happen.

they wanted to stunt my growth and maturity.

wanting me to be what I wasn’t.

I will never make them happy.

I believe they will always find something to let them down.

nonsense began the argument that pushed me to the edge.

she yelled and he did nothing.

she hit bottom and me all in a moments passing.

I felt broken and scared, but this time, I would not give in to them.

I moved out and in.

he held me when I cried.

now, here I am again as I was when I was little.

I just wanted to please you, to be loved by you.

but I guess sometimes we cease to get what we long for.

one day, years from now, my hepatitis will no longer haunt me.

I will be cured and have a family.

you will look on and see what you missed.

and you will have missed out.

I will always love you

both.

but I have lived in this to long.

I need to live my life

you are only angry because you cannot live through me anymore.